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Moving through life raw
November 13, 2010
My best friend just deleted herself from my mailing list.
Hm, what could that mean? That we are forever done being friends? That maybe she was on twice and was just deleting one so she wouldn’t get a double email? I don’t know. All I know is that the mind never really knows the mind of another.
My “friend” and I have been friends for 25 years. I thought we would grow old together. She knew me better than anyone. Even my husband. We spoke everyday and if we missed a day, there was a void. The connection we had stretched through many years of love, grief, pain, joy, misunderstandings, celebrations and everything that one encounters in a 25 year span of living.
We bumbled through our twenties together, figured out our thirties together and were peacefully rolling through our forties together. Or so I thought. Changes in her life made me feel she was further away from me. When we spoke, I sometimes felt like she was on a different wavelength. The understanding that we seemed to share for so many years was replaced with misunderstanding and seeing things completely different. I felt like she was getting crystallized. I often felt like I was speaking with an authority figure and someone with whom personal growth was no longer important. I wondered where my magical, searcher for truth, non conformist friend went. I never said anything, just tried to accept where she was at and that maybe she needed to be in this place. Unfortunately, she could not do the same. She found fault with many of the things I did and said and turned into someone extremely critical.
Believing that many years as friends deserved some consideration to at least try, I called and tried to work things out. Feeling hurt and that I should not be the one to reach out, I did anyway as I knew she wouldn’t. My last call was not returned.
It’s taking a lot of soul searching and admitting to myself that this is not a relationship that has served me for some time now. It’s sad that you know someone for that long and then you don’t. That’s always been an odd thing for me.
It’s interesting that in the last 6 months I’ve had a lot of new people come into my life that are beginning to mean a lot to me. There are a few people in particular who are becoming so much an integral part of my life. We “get each other” on so many levels. The fun, the joy, the conscious creation, the physical and the spiritual. I’ve been spending more time with people who are living in the truth of their life and moving forward everyday towards creating a beautiful, magical conscious life. It feels good and it inspires me to live every moment of my life in the awareness of possibilities.
One of these people who are becoming very special to me quoted me in her supermom blog this week (I’m the dear friend in her blog post )
So as I try to move past the pain of losing a long time friend, I’m just watching the shift happen and being open to what direction the energy is guiding me to. I’m trying to process the sadness and feel what this really means and why I’ve created letting go of someone very special to me and why it actually feels right.
I couldn’t imagine trying to get through this without the clarity of raw, lots of yoga, meditation and the innate knowing that everything always works out for my highest good. Maybe it is because I have that belief that things always work out, that they do. Or, maybe it is because things always work out that I have that belief. One in the same, I know.
Be well my old friend, you have taught me much and for that and so much more, I will always be grateful.